Permit Test

By Merlin June Mack

How long can you wait to tell the DMV that your car tells you it is in a polyamorous relationship and wants to move to Portland? 

A)	5 days
B)	10 days
C)	1 month

When encountering an aggressive driver, what should you do?

A)	Challenge them to the duel
B)	Increase following distance
C)	Both of the above

When crossing a blind intersection on the third Tuesday of the month on your way to book club with Caleb, who always picks the worst books you KNOW he doesn’t read, he just picks them because he thinks it makes him seem smarter than everyone, can you, in this specific situation, run over a lamb?

A)	Yes, but only if it can help save your village from famine
B)	Yes, but only if it would piss Caleb off
C)	Under no circumstances

In what circumstances should you ignore instructions from school crossing guards?

A)	Never (what’s wrong with you?) 
B)	If the crossing guard is Caleb
C)	If the crossing guard is giving you bad vibes

When should you use your high beam lights?

A)	At all times
B)	In the snow
C)	When a 90-year-old woman is crossing the street





How far from the curb are you supposed to park?

A)	8 inches (hot!)
B)	As far away from Caleb as possible
C)	As close to Caleb as possible (intimidation) 

What must you always say to let everyone on the freeway know you are merging?

A)	Vroom vroom 
B)	Goo goo gaga I’m a little baby
C)	I’m merging 

Your car tells you that it misses its polyamorous partners and is mad at you because you refuse to relocate to Portland and that if you don’t move to Portland it will drive away without you.

A)	Sell your car immediately
B)	Move to Portland and start a new life, you’ll find a nice girl that works at a bookstore. She has a sleeve of tattoos and all of them have meaning but she’s not pretentious about it. You want to kiss her but you’re scared because you’ve never felt this deeply about anyone in your life. One day you see her with a man and you ask if he’s her brother but she says it’s her boyfriend. Her boyfriend, who is wearing a hood, turns around and is revealed to be your fucking car! Why does this keep happening to me, you think. 
C)	Assert strong boundaries with your car and tell it no

What constitutes a honk?

A)	If a goose honks at you (revenge) 
B)	An amalgamation of all your lost hopes and dreams in the form of a cloud shaped like Jimmy Fallon….or is it Jimmy Kimmel? There’s too many Jimmys. 
C)	Caleb is crossing the street and he’s eating ice cream and the way he eats ice cream is so annoying like we get it you went to Georgetown!

In what situation is it appropriate to drive a tank?

A)	On the way to your nephew’s winter dance recital (he’s six years old)
B)	On the freeway on Christmas
C)	When you are in a merging Monday mood 


Can you make a right turn on red in California?

A)	Yes
B)	Only God knows
C)	Only if you say the magic word (please) 

Who has the right of the way in a four-way intersection? 

A)	Harry Styles
B)	You
C)	Whoever gets there first. This time it's Caleb, he looks really down. It kind of looks like he’s been crying. You’ve never seen him like this. It’s intimate in a way that makes you squirm but you think you kind of understand him in some small way. You never realized how blue his eyes can be. 

How much can you be fined for not having a seatbelt?

A)	Your entire fortune
B)	Five bucks
C)	You call Caleb when you get back home and ask him how he’s doing. At first he seems surprised that you’re calling him, you two have never really gotten along. But eventually he starts to get more comfortable and he tells you that his mom is dying and it's just not something he’s equipped to deal with. You tell him no one is and he smiles just a little bit, or at least you feel like he does. You can’t really tell because it's on the phone but you’re pretty sure. You start calling him more often and you learn more about him and he learns more about you. It turns out you guys actually have a lot in common. For example you both hate Instagram reels but love YouTube Shorts. But there’s more to it than that. You find out that you were both born early in the morning like you couldn’t wait to go out into the world, you just couldn’t wait until the afternoon. When Caleb’s mom eventually does pass away you are there with him for the funeral and after the eulogy you hold his hand. It’s awkward at first but then he puts his head on your shoulder and you put your arm around him. It’s quiet and it’s devastating and it’s real. You promise each other that no matter what happens you’ll be there. 

Your bike has now joined your car’s polycule and won’t stop undressing your car with its eyes, how soon should you report this to the FBI?

A)	Immediately 
B)	On the next leap year
C)	Throw your bike into the Grand Canyon without a helmet