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you invite me over for drinks and I hate drinking but i’m doing it anyway because that’s what you expect of me. 
I am distant and dizzy. 
you love it. 
you planned it. 

you kiss me here and there and i’m enjoying it and you and then i’m not. 
you’re stroking my hair and other parts but all I see is the ceiling. 
white and cracking. 
there is a spider in the corner. 
I’m crying in jealousy. 

you watch me absently. 
i’m thrumming as I sob-walk home. 
fumble with the lock. 
lay fetal in the shower. 
the neighbors are listening to Daft Punk. 
the wall shakes with me. 

after two days I call Mom. 
she answers on the third ring. 
I don’t have to say anything. 
women can tell. 
she can tell. 
we sit in silence. 

I was on acid the first time a stranger asked me about you. 
she looked just like me. 
I threw up in her lap. 

therapy is expensive and stiff. 
Dr. HelpYou holds my hand as I scream cry. 
suggests pot and journaling. 
gives me hotline numbers and support group flyers. 
it doesn’t fill the hole. 
I try to move on. 
swipe left until Mr. Right. 
meet up and eat Thai. 
try to have sex. 
breakdown. 
repeat. 

my birthday comes. 
I drink with Tiffany in her dorm. 
she has cocktail glasses and funny straws. 
ice cream cake melting on her desk. 
we watch kids movies and eat finger foods. 
listen to music with her dancing water speakers. 
forget how much I want to die. 

I move but not far enough. 
never enough. 
make a mutual friend and resent them. 
get a job at a bagel shop and ban you. 
drink at bars you can’t afford. 
date men I hope to love. 
eat dinner on the porch. 
start yoga, then pilates, then macrodosing. 
Move On a Little. 
never enough. 

sometimes I see you walking. 
when it’s late, I imagine you following me home. 
slinking behind me up the steps, to the doorway, pushing in to corner me like a feral cat. 
almost exactly like before, 
but instead,
I lay you gently on the bed 
I whisper in your ear, my lips softer than yours, my voice nicer. 
I stroke your arms,
your face,
your chest. 
kiss you, one of those tender goodbye ones that linger and stick 
and then I Eat You Whole.